Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
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Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.