Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
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When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.