You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
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Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]