Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
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Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
How can I say no to this ?
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11