@SufficientCharm

Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.

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@SnarkyMommy78

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

@knotaprettygirl

Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.

@KalvinMacleod

[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages

@Death_Buddy

You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.

@psyzod

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

@abbycohenwl

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE

@Skoog

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

@pleatedjeans

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT