Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
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Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Before & after 😅
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.