Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
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Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!