Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
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I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
yeet
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
cat vs inanimate object
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]