@cray_at_home_ma

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

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@jonnysun

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

@KeetPotato

[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]

@BromanConsul

My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he’s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway

@LouisPeitzman

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

@Tmoney68

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

@murrman5

You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.