[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
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Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Do not steal food from the science building!
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!