Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
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What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
i love modern commerce
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.