Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
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Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.