Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

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Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.


He is on that bird call website a lot.

– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.


Sorry you got offended that I pre-sold tickets to your funeral.


All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.


Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.


Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever


“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)


Me: Got a hot date this weekend?

Coworker: Ummm…no.

Me: I know. I was just reminding you.



Power Rangers taught me that the way to solve a problem is to pose in front of it aggressively until it explodes


Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.