Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
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[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Monday?
No. Next question.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
pep talk
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.