Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

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No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh


My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.


St. Peter: “Spock?”

Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”



Psychologist: Go to your happy place.

Me: *grabs car keys*

Psychologist: Where are you going?

Me: The liquor store.


Judge: how do you plead?

Guy: well usually to my wife

Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant


DATE: I like guys who show their sensitive side

ME [through mouthful of ice cream] this hurts my teeth


Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no


You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I’m like that, but with salad.


Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich


Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.