@audipenny

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

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@MomOnFire

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

@215potter

My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.

@wickedimproper

St. Peter: “Spock?”

Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”

St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”

@DumbConfessions

Psychologist: Go to your happy place.

Me: *grabs car keys*

Psychologist: Where are you going?

Me: The liquor store.

@DaddyJew

Judge: how do you plead?

Guy: well usually to my wife

Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant

@ArfMeasures

DATE: I like guys who show their sensitive side

ME [through mouthful of ice cream] this hurts my teeth

@sug_knight

Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no

@TheMichaelRock

You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I’m like that, but with salad.

@bornmiserable

Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

@lloydrang

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.