Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.