“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
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It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
My beach vacation Google searches
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.