My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
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Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
when mom throws a party…
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.