Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
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Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time