My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
You Might Also Like
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Support your local cemetery
I love the honesty
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat