@OhNoSheTwitnt

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ?? my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

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@simoncholland

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

@david8hughes

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

@ThugRaccoons

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

@shanethevein

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

@AudreyPorne

I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!

@effinghandbook

Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.

@krisv_723

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

@markleggett

The year is 2027 AD. I take a drag from my vitamin cigarette and transfer 17 Bitcoins to a 3D-printed babe-bot for a cyber HJ. Life is good.

@handsock_butts

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell