Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
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In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”