Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

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I’m sorry but shits and giggles don’t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.


SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin


[takes a sip at wine tasting]

Ah yes, this is nice. You can really taste the wet dog and Code Red Mountain Dew.


The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard


Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”


I was just at a restaurant and they yelled out order 867 so I yelled out 5309 and absolutely nobody laughed, how does nobody find this funny?


Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”


Hug a tree. Then rub your hands along it’s trunk and tell it how knotty it is.