@KizerBillhelm: Sorry I yelled "April Fool's" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
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@XplodingUnicorn: My 4-year-old sang in church for the first time. So what if it was the wrong song? There's never a bad time for "We Will Rock You."
@rickolantern: Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying "you know, the hot blond" is conducive to sofa sleeping.
@Amburglar_: My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
@PaperWash: Mario Kart: 1) stays in first place for 3 laps 2) gets passed by 5 people at last second 3) slams controller 4) quits job 5) divorces wife