@McKnightyBoo

Sorry I yelled: BLESS YOU and handed you a tissue after you told me you loved me

Blow your nose, it will pass

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@ImLeslieChow

I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

@BruceForce

How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff

@OllyiConic

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid

@sonictyrant

Me: can i get that last tub of frozen cow juice ?

Sales assistant: oh ha ha, thats ben and jerry’s

Me: *Leans in and slides a 50 over the counter* i wont tell em if you dont

@TheAndrewNadeau

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

@Smooheed

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

@cravin4

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.