Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
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Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.