Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
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Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
watergate? u mean a dam??
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I鈥檓 put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I go by many names but I鈥檓 usually referred to as Plan B.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Me: Don鈥檛 talk to me until I鈥檝e had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don鈥檛 drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry鈥檚
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 馃槧
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he鈥檇 found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he鈥檇 found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He鈥檇 kidnapped someone else鈥檚 cat.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”