Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
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A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?