Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
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accurate
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
*pronounces fake like saké*
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”