@sarcasm_inc

Sorry I’m late, guys. SOMEbody..
*gestures at wife*
told me this knife fight started at..
*sees everyone holding guns*
FANtastic, Ellen

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@brucepoontip

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it

@Pink

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

@1_swarthy_dude

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

@OkieGirl405

Guns don’t kill people

People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people

@ArfMeasures

Me: Did you cheat?

Wife: Haha yes, what about you?

Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?

Wife: Had sex with Dave

@CAshmanActor

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

@iLikeCatShirts

Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.