If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Sorry I’m late, guys. SOMEbody..
*gestures at wife*
told me this knife fight started at..
*sees everyone holding guns*
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There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Be the change you want to find in your couch.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work