Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
You Might Also Like
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center