We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
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Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.