Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
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[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack