Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
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I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone