Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.

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I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.


earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads


This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.


[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?


“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.


Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.


Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”


ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me