I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
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earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
This fall on Fox:
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Want his attention?
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me