@kimtopher22

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.

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@jackiembouvier

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

@grain_death

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads

@praisecheese

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

@avainwordland

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

@jakob_huber

“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.

@MoneypennyNaked

Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.

@texasstalkermom

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”

@ArfMeasures

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me