Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
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People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Who chose this font
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(