@Midgetspar

Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.

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@Robert_Beau

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?

@casual_koala

My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.

@_xLNc

I always have too much month left at the end of my money.

@robfee

Sure, I have gluten free Halloween candy for your kid.
*Reaches in pocket & pulls out middle finger*
Get off my lawn before I call the cops

@o__0Dev

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?

@envydatropic

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

@daemonic3

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

@E_lok44

A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!

@envydatropic

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

@Browtweaten

Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise

Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?

Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what