Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.

You Might Also Like


At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?


My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.


I always have too much month left at the end of my money.


Sure, I have gluten free Halloween candy for your kid.
*Reaches in pocket & pulls out middle finger*
Get off my lawn before I call the cops


Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?


And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet



[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”


A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!


Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness


Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise

Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?

Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what