Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
You Might Also Like
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.