@daddydoubts

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.

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@gitson_shiggles

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

@Dawn_M_

Age 10: I’m going to be a rockstar
Age 20: I might learn an instrument someday
Age 30: I hope a piano lands on me

@bestestname

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

@JKNenagh

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

@perfect_messs

[during sex]
Him, referring to my Spanx: Don’t you want to take those off first?
Me: It took me 3 hrs to get these on. This is my skin now.

@ArfMeasures

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

@RobDenBleyker

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

@JulieSnark

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

@JonasPolsky

All in favor of imitating Spanish women say “Aye-yi-yi.”