Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
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She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
We have a winner.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers