@daddydoubts

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.

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@Book_Krazy

[Spelling Bee]

Her: Your word is consent.

Him: Can you describe the word?

Her: Yes.

@Talk_To_The_Hat

Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?

@Desert_Musings

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

@DwHavoc

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

@McGrumpenstein

Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner

@nowarranty

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

@FredTaming

[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

@lotusflowerom

Neighbor is running through her back yard screaming “I can’t take this anymore”. Husband is just watching silently sipping his coffee.

@johngcaldwell4

Me: *cleans kitchen and does laundry
Wife: looks like someone is getting lucky
Me: 1 hour of uninterrupted Call of Duty?
W: Yes
Me: WOOHOO!

@cravin4

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.