Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
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Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Neighbor is running through her back yard screaming “I can’t take this anymore”. Husband is just watching silently sipping his coffee.
Me: *cleans kitchen and does laundry
Wife: looks like someone is getting lucky
Me: 1 hour of uninterrupted Call of Duty?
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.