Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
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Age 10: I’m going to be a rockstar
Age 20: I might learn an instrument someday
Age 30: I hope a piano lands on me
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Him, referring to my Spanx: Don’t you want to take those off first?
Me: It took me 3 hrs to get these on. This is my skin now.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
All in favor of imitating Spanish women say “Aye-yi-yi.”