*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
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GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I walked in on my 13 year old boy watching YouTube videos and I was mortified…
What kind of psychopath watches Bob Ross at 13?
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
My daughter found a new boyfriend.
I’m just glad the police haven’t found the old one.
So, this co-worker stated that she makes ice cubes with her leftover alcohol. I’m confused. What’s leftover alcohol?
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I always walk into Target with a pissed off look on my face. These people don’t need to know I’m here to buy waterfall scented candles.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands