@BareChesty

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

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@WildeThingy

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

@justabloodygame

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

@girlontapas

I walked in on my 13 year old boy watching YouTube videos and I was mortified…

What kind of psychopath watches Bob Ross at 13?

@TrueTorontoGirl

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

@Shot_Of_Cabo

My daughter found a new boyfriend.
I’m just glad the police haven’t found the old one.

@tat2dsoccermom

So, this co-worker stated that she makes ice cubes with her leftover alcohol. I’m confused. What’s leftover alcohol?

@TheCatWhisprer

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

@ohpegah

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

@ComedicBust

I always walk into Target with a pissed off look on my face. These people don’t need to know I’m here to buy waterfall scented candles.