Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
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I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.