Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.

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STOP EDITING YOUR PICS, what if you go missing? How tf can we find you if you look like Beyonce on Instagram but Waka Flocka in real life?


Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys


Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.


My son touched my leg & said “so soft!”

Then he asked for his IPad back & I gave it to him.

Girls aren’t exactly rocket science, guys.


Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?


Recently joined the mile high club sandwich. That’s when you have sex on a plane, and it’s with a sandwich


Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.


HR at my work just called me and i thought i was in trouble for something but they just let me know my 11-year-old sister has been commenting on their instagram every day telling them to give me a raise