Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
You Might Also Like
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Practicing safe sax
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Potatoes were such a good idea
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno