@JDBooie

Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.

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@DeeDeeSpeaks

STOP EDITING YOUR PICS, what if you go missing? How tf can we find you if you look like Beyonce on Instagram but Waka Flocka in real life?

@bazecraze

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

@JohnHilsen

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

@Mi_SSbehaved

My son touched my leg & said “so soft!”

Then he asked for his IPad back & I gave it to him.

Girls aren’t exactly rocket science, guys.

@ThugRaccoons

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

@zachreinert03

Recently joined the mile high club sandwich. That’s when you have sex on a plane, and it’s with a sandwich

@Gupton68

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

@natfos

HR at my work just called me and i thought i was in trouble for something but they just let me know my 11-year-old sister has been commenting on their instagram every day telling them to give me a raise