Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
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Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…