“Sorry I’m late”

Why are there scratches all over your face?

“Jujitsu training”

You can scratch in jujitsu?

“It’s my cat’s best move”

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Laying in bed with the wife last night, she asked “what would you like to do most to my body?””identify it” probably wasnt the right answer


*hands note

Boss: *reading* ‘Please excuse my son from’ Ridiculous! You’re working!

*thinking* I practiced my Mom’s signature for nothing


I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.


Wife wants to hang pictures of our kids in the bathroom. Like they don’t already spend enough time in there with us.


Friend: Why are you crying?

Me: I’m having trouble dealing with my mom’s passing

Mom: *chucks football* Learn to catch and you won’t get hit, nerd


Doctor: We need to double your meds
Me: Will I still be able to knit little capes for my hamster?
Doctor: We need to triple your meds


Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.


Girls are like puppies.

If you don’t take them out enough, they’ll poop on your rug.



I love when guys ask how big my tits are like as if men have any idea what bra sizes mean. I could tell a guy I’m a WD-40 and he would be like “omg so hot”