Laying in bed with the wife last night, she asked “what would you like to do most to my body?””identify it” probably wasnt the right answer
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
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Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Boss: *reading* ‘Please excuse my son from’ Ridiculous! You’re working!
*thinking* I practiced my Mom’s signature for nothing
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Wife wants to hang pictures of our kids in the bathroom. Like they don’t already spend enough time in there with us.
Friend: Why are you crying?
Me: I’m having trouble dealing with my mom’s passing
Mom: *chucks football* Learn to catch and you won’t get hit, nerd
Doctor: We need to double your meds
Me: Will I still be able to knit little capes for my hamster?
Doctor: We need to triple your meds
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Girls are like puppies.
If you don’t take them out enough, they’ll poop on your rug.
SERIOUSLY ASHLEY ON MY RUG??
I love when guys ask how big my tits are like as if men have any idea what bra sizes mean. I could tell a guy I’m a WD-40 and he would be like “omg so hot”