“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
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Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.