sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
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[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Dune (2021)
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Cake!!
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.