Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
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I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
bad news gang
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Snapes on a plane.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.