@gorrdano

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

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@bornmiserable

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

@Kyle_Lippert

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

@LaetPO

Tragic News: Plane carrying Donald Trump underwent massive turbulence, lost engine power, stalled, but landed safely.

@JustMeTurtle

My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

@InternetHippo

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

@Tups13

Her: I’m a model.
Me: You look so real!

@3sunzzz

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

@TheGladStork

When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.

@sophied40

On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant