if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
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If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Tragic News: Plane carrying Donald Trump underwent massive turbulence, lost engine power, stalled, but landed safely.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
You know who else has a naughty list?
Her: I’m a model.
Me: You look so real!
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant