My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
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I don’t think people outside of England understand that the “it’s coming home” thing was a joke at first because we had no hope but it actually might be coming home and now we don’t know what to do with ourselves
Paris is suing Fox News for repeatedly insulting it. Also suing them for the same reason: your intelligence.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”