Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
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How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.