Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
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[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!