@GreenishDuck

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.

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@awsten

LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN

@maxsparber

Obi Wan: Your father was burned so badly that all his limbs just sort of fell off but we have such advanced technology like clones and robotics and such that we saved him.

Luke: What about my mother?

Obi Wan: Died in childbirth, literally nothing could be done.

@justokdane

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

@jellybnbonanza

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

@KalvinMacleod

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2?4? 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

@CornerPubRon

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

@CakeThrottle

I keep getting bills from the Memory Erasing Clinic but I’ve never been there

@david_j_roth

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

@writerPT

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.