Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
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*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
reduce, reuse, recycle
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself