Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

Good morning.

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”

A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”

Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty

[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)

You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*