@Sarcasticsapien

Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who’s not interested.

Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who’s not interested.

- @Sarcasticsapien

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@ArfMeasures

Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!

Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes

Cop: The fashion police

Me *kicking my crocs off* shit

@JElvisWeinstein

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

@schmittsteve

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol

@gerryhallcomedy

Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.

@TheBoydP

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

@BruceForce

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”

@DrakeGatsby

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

@LuvPug

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

@AnniemuMary

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

@KateWouldHaveIt

My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on