@FlashShumway

Sorry man I cant come over. Im busy playing nunchucks
“Dont you mean playing WITH nunchucks?”
No?
*tosses another nun off the overpass*

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@ixix82

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

@3sunzzz

If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.

@mellimelle

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”345264325499428865″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”125″;s:5:”tweet”;s:125:”My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@ArfMeasures

DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day

*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*

DH: well this has been wonderful

@Seinfeld2000

GERG: She licked ur donut?

JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!

GERG: gross!

JERY: she also said she “hates america”

GERG: Donut licking traitor!

@mommajessiec

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.