I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
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Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Name this drama.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor