Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
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There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.