Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream


You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.


Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.


[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.


I’d like to share a joke with you that my 2yo nephew told me.

2yo: Knock knock.
Me: Who’s there?
2yo: I don’t know.


Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that


*With only office supplies, she diffuses the bomb with 1 second to spare*
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: *shoves action figures in desk.*


my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken


Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.