If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Sorry my mom wouldn’t stop talking on our killing spree.
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Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Sven is short for Sventipede.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
ME: …mint condition.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
GUYS: you need to be nicer to women,if you dont believe me just google “woman stabs” and see how many stories come up.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.