@gothicaseas

Sorry my mom wouldn’t stop talking on our killing spree.

You Might Also Like

@MrGeorgeWallace

If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away

@FU_TangClan

Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife

@djdavemichaels

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

@TheToddWilliams

[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.

@WilliamAder

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

@jjmick45

GUYS: you need to be nicer to women,if you dont believe me just google “woman stabs” and see how many stories come up.

@petemandik

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

@DanMentos

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

@carlawh

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.