I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
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Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
this is me
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Need WebMD
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it