“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
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Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.