@bornmiserable

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

You Might Also Like

@om_eye_goodness

Whenever I can’t sleep, I always end up eating like 37 snacks in bed.

It’s called insom-nom-nom-nia.

@iwearaonesie

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

@ClichedOut

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

@iamspacegirl

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

@SladeWentworth

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

@LoneWolfStories

If I’m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.

@rockymomax

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”

@anerdonfire2

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me