Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

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Whenever I can’t sleep, I always end up eating like 37 snacks in bed.

It’s called insom-nom-nom-nia.


coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad


me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb


Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine


What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.


If I’m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.


Cop: You doin drugs?
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”


The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me