Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
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I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
There’s never enough good news
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Good boy 😂😂
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal