Whenever I can’t sleep, I always end up eating like 37 snacks in bed.
It’s called insom-nom-nom-nia.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
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coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
coworker: What did your wife get?
Never under estimate the value of stretching…the truth.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
when you don’t know how to answer a question….
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.
What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
If I’m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.
Cop: You doin drugs?
Cop: Whatya smokin?
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me