me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
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Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Cheer up.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime